So how was the blind date?
She was a Jedi.
Lightsaber, robes.
Whole nine yards.
Weird, she was.
Wow, you're really having a terrible dating year.
Kate: Although it's been a banner year
for the lotion people.
Keeping them
in business.
Single-handedly.
Hey, guys. So, I've decided to get Andi a push present
for the birth of the second baby.
- Aw, what are you thinking? - Okay.
A brand-new... roof.
Seriously, what are you thinking?
I'm not talking composite.
Slate!
Yeah, come on, babe.
Slate is the most romantic of all the roofs.
Very funny. But Andi and I both enjoy practical gifts,
and there are some home improvements we need to make.
(Groans) So boring.
You see? This is why I'm not married.
Yeah, that's why.
Look, Bobby, you need help.
- I'll come with. - Why?
Andi loves every gift I've ever gotten her.
Oh, that's so sweet. And wrong.
What?
She doesn't like your gifts, dude.
That's not true. What about the...
No.
Yeah, but what about the...
She didn't.
You're not even letting me...
Don't have to.
Well, she said she liked them. Why would she lie?
'Cause she cares about your feelings. Luckily,
I don't. So I'm gonna give it to you straight.
You stink at this, but...
don't worry. I'll help you.
Okay. Sounds good.
- We can head over to the... - She hates that place.
♪ ♪
(man speaking indistinctly on TV)
(Phone rings)
(Mutes TV)
Hello.
Hey. I'm on my way. Are you ready?
Um...
Oh, Andi, you forgot?
You said you'd help me answer phones
at Lowell's tortoise sanctuary telethon.
Oh, that's right. The turtle thing.
So glad you remembered that I said I'd do that.
- Okay, I'll text when I'm outside. - W-wait.
- I can't make it. - Wait,
- what? Why not? - The truth is I just...
Can't get out of bed.
Oh, no. You're on bed rest?
(Groans) Since when?
- No, no. I'm not... - Oh, my god. My cousin was put on bed rest,
and it was awful. All she could do was just lie there
and eat and watch TV.
For weeks.
It is... it is devastating.
I can't do anything.
No turtle-thon, no errands, no chores,
nothing.
That was a solid workout.
You drank smoothies and watched a women's spin class.
And you lifted weights with a bunch of sweaty dudes,
so who had the better morning?
(Stomach grumbles)
Uh-oh.
What?
I may have had one too many smoothies.
(Groans) Well, can you make it back to the house?
Nope.
I'm at defcon 1, and my colon has the launch codes.
- You just ran a stop sign. - Yeah.
Defcon 1, dude. Normal rules do not apply.
Luckily, we're near my old house. I still have my key.
What? You can't just break into your ex-wife's house.
Yeah, well, you can't have sex with your couples' therapist
either, but that didn't stop Val.
Yeah, but what if she's home?
She won't be. She works on Saturdays.
At the nice little boutique she bought with my money.
Well? You going in?
Just got to wait till this wave passes.
Keep talking.
How 'bout this?
Oh, yeah, that would be perfect.
If Andi worked in a Tijuana whorehouse.
That. That's the one.
Sir, we'd like
to see that please.
You have excellent taste.
Obviously.
How much?
What, is this priced in yen?
Perhaps you should try the jeweler at the mall.
They have a fine selection of key chains and lighters
with the name of your state on it.
Great idea.
We'll grab some jewelry, head over to Brookstone,
sit in the massage chair and pretend like we're gonna buy it.
(Groans) Would you excuse us a moment?
Andi would love that necklace. And I'd love
to get it for her, but I can't afford that.
The price is merely a suggestion.
It's on the tag.
Lots of things are on tags.
"Do not tear off mattress." "Caution: Flammable."
"Choking hazard for children under three."
You ignore those, don't you?
No.
And remind me never to let you babysit.
(Groans) Look, Bobby,
why do you think I'm so successful?
Because you're scary and you talk fast.
That and because I know how to get a good deal.
Now, I'm gonna get you 50% off that price.
Just follow my lead and do what I say.
Okay.
Ah, looks like the missus has her heart set on this necklace.
(Chuckles) No, she's not...
Gonna pay this? You got that right.
Man: Henry,
can I have the key to the case?
A moment.
(Quietly): What are you doing?
Oh, this is great. He thinks we're married.
That's gonna help us in the negotiations.
How? Because a wife has more bargaining power than a friend.
I can say no, I can walk away, I can diminish you.
Why do you have to diminish me?
Oh, that's just a bonus.
(Toilet flushes)
(Sighs)
Wait a minute. My St. Louis snow globe?
Val said my movers lost this.
(Keys jangling)
(Doorknob rattling)
(Sighs)
(Phone chimes)
"Help. Woman here. Not Val.
I'm hiding in her clitoris."
I'm gonna assume that's an autocorrect thing.
Three percent off? Three percent?
This is a good price.
- I don't agree. - She doesn't agree.
- Let's face it, you mark everything up by 200%. - 200%.
- So you're still making a fortune. - A fortune.
We'll pay half the suggested retail price and let you get back to your day.
(Scoffs)
- (Scoffs loudly) - (Scoffs)
Please, I have this covered.
I'm sorry. I guess we're just too far apart.
I guess so. We won't waste any more of your time.
- Let's go. - We're going.
- (Whispering): Why are we going? - We're not.
He's going to call us back in three,
two, one, one.
Mrs. McAllister!
Okay, I was off by one.
Yeah, I'm so sorry, Janie,
but, no, I'm not gonna be able to make it to book club.
Oh, stop it. I am not brave.
No, no, no, no. You don't have to do that. Oh...
Okay, a muffin basket sounds fantastic.
Thank you.
Okay.
Will: Who is this woman and why is she in Val's house?
God, what a year.
Divorce, one bad date after another
and now I'm trapped in a closet.
In retrospect, maybe I should've gone to the bathroom
at a gas station. (Groans)
But they're so gross.
This much talking to myself is just sad.
Then again...
I do have a lot of interesting thoughts.
Oh, thank god. She's standing.
Go in the next room, go in the next room.
Stay in this room, stay in this room.
(Knocking)
- Hi. - Hi.
Woman: Can I help you?
Uh, I'm your neighbor,
Claude.
Zer... sleven... der.
Uh, I'm a friend of Val's.
Yeah, my fiancée and I, we live right over... there.
- I'm Kelly Moore. I just rented the place from Val. - Oh.
Your lawn looks very dry, and...
I used to help Val with her sprinklers,
so we should probably go outside and check on the, um...
Spritz radius.
The sprinklers are fine.
But if you're offering to help fix stuff,
my smoke alarm is broken.
Or we could go for a walk around the block.
Because you know what they say.
The best way to avoid dying in a house fire
is to not be in that house.
So I'll go, you come with me.
(Laughs) You're funny, Claude.
I'm pretty tired though.
I was operating all night.
Oh, you're a doctor?
Cardiothoracic surgeon.
Will: Beautiful surgeon.
Like me.
Please, Mrs. McAllister.
This is not a bazaar or a flea market
or Atlantic City.
For the hundredth time,
I can't give you any price you want.
You can and you will.
(Groans)
This is getting a little intense, my love.
I'm just getting started, pooh bear.
Man has to earn a living, darling.
(Laughs) Not today, sweetheart.
If I go any lower, I will lose my job.
That's a risk I'm willing to take.
Will you excuse us a moment, Henry.
Don't call him by his name.
That totally humanizes him.
All right, look, this was fun at first, all right?
But look at him.
He's sweating through his pants.
We have him right where we want him.
He's in the blender.
Now all we have to do is hit purée.
You're out of control. I'm taking over.
(Scoffs) You're wasting your time, strawberry shortcake.
(Clears throat)
You okay?
Not really.
Yeah, think how I feel.
I got to go home with that every night.
You poor bastard.
Well, she's a ball buster,
all right, and I'm down to my last ball.
So how about you take another five percent off,
and we're done?
You go back to the family,
I get the minotaur back in the maze.
Sound good?
In my country, the man with the red hair is the cursed one.
(Door opening)
(Sighs)
Hi, honey. How you holding up?
Mm, hanging in.
Fighting the good fight.
Funny, because I just left Dr. Katz's office.
You know, your gynecologist
who is also my gynecologist.
I suddenly feel very tired.
Perhaps you should go?
- I mentioned your bed rest to Dr. Katz. - Mm-hmm.
And he seemed very confused.
Well, you know, he probably didn't want to, uh, betray
the, uh, that-that... The patient,
uh, doctor... okay, fine!
(Sighs)
I'm not on bed rest!
I'm just... resting
in bed.
Where's Charlie?
My mother's watching him.
Until the doctor says it's okay for me to be back on my feet.
Mm-hmm. Okay, so, let me get this straight.
You are faking
a very serious medical condition
so that people will bring you take-out
and wait on you hand and foot?
Okay, you know, I didn't make you feel guilty
when you broke your leg.
Because I really broke my leg!
Jules, I need this!
Ugh! Okay, fine, scoot over.
(Grunts) What?
Oh, gosh, I can't take a second day of Lowell's turtle telethon!
And he'd be a monster if he expected you
to leave your dear friend
in her time of need.
- Exactly. - Uh-huh.
(Sighs)
Jules, can you get me a soda from downstairs?
Can you get me one?
So when I joined doctors without borders,
that was pretty much the end of my skiing career.
Will: Oh, she's a skier, a healer, a traveler.
God, our kids would be beautiful.
Well, look, the good news is, this isn't broken.
Just needs a new battery.
Let's go to the store and get one.
Oh, don't need to. I'll just grab one out of my toolbox.
It's in the closet.
Lowell: Oh, no! No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Uh, no. No.
You're a surgeon. Save your hands.
I'll get it.
Uh, I think the old battery
rolled under the couch.
- Do you mind looking? - Oh, sure.
- Oh, my god! - What?!
I've got to vacuum under there more often.
Oh. See, that's great.
Start now. Go get a vacuum.
Okay. The vacuum's in the closet.
Why is everything in the closet? Uh,
before you do vacuum,
could you get me a glass of water?
- Sure. - Thanks.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
- You have to tell her you have a single friend. - What?
- I think I'm in love. - What?!
- Do you want ice? - Um, six cubes, thanks.
This is the perfect opportunity for you to introduce us.
What? I'm not comfortable lying to her like that.
You're up to your neck in lies, Zerslevender!
Here's your water.
- Oh, lemon. I need lemon if that's okay. - Okay.
Maybe this is the whole reason I married Val in the first place.
So she could cheat on me with our couples' therapist,
get this house in a lopsided divorce,
and eventually rent it out to my soul mate.
Stranger things have happened.
No, they haven't! All right.
It's a story we'll tell our grandkids.
It's a story she'll tell the police.
Ah. Oh, thank you.
Well, what did I tell you?
I got him to come down another five percent.
Who's the good negotiator now?
Ball buster? Minotaur?
Is that how you really feel about me?
Well, I mean, you know,
you're a very specific type of woman.
I think you, like most men, are threatened by my strength.
Are those... tears?
Oh, look, she has feelings.
Here we are... polished and ready to go.
You know what, Bobby? I don't think you even like me.
I mean, I don't think you've ever liked me.
So, will that be cash or credit?
Coming in here has opened my eyes
to how you really feel about me.
And this whole stupid marriage was a mistake. I'm done.
Wait! You can't just throw away this marriage!
And my commission.
What if I give it to you for half price?
We'll take it.
Give the man your credit card, honey.
So, who's the good negotiator now?
That was an act?
You teared up.
Yeah, I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out a pube.
It works every time.
Kelly: Anyway, thanks for all your help, Claude.
I'm sure I'll see you around the neighborhood.
Oh, we're about to move.
Out of the country.
Tomorrow.
But take care.
(Knocking)
Hey, Claude! Glad I caught ya!
Hi, I'm, uh, Claude's friend, Will.
- Hi. - Hi.
Claude texted me that he was here helping you
with some things and asked me to come meet him.
I don't remember doing that, but I guess I did!
So, any other chores need doing?
These hands aren't just good for surgery and ski poles. Yeah.
Wait... you're a doctor and you ski?
I'm a doctor and I ski!
What...?
(Laughs)
(Laughs) That is so weird.
Isn't that weird, Claude?
As sure as my name's Claude.
God, bed rest is the gift that keeps on giving.
Seriously. (Chuckles)
(Gasps)
- Oh. - What?
Nothing. I thought it was a bedsore,
but it's just some jelly.
Oh.
(Both sigh, phone rings)
(Grunts) Jules...
Okay, you do realize
you're not actually on bed rest, right?
I know, but it's so far. Look.
(Ringing continues)
Eh...
Thank you.
Hello.
Hey, how're you feeling?
Eh, you know, hanging in.
Trying to be brave.
Jules is here helping me.
Oh, yay, Jules.
Hey, listen, I was gonna stop by later,
bring you some cronuts.
(Giggles): She's gonna bring cronuts.
(Squeals)
But I can't.
What?!
Why not?
Wait, wait! Are there or are there not cronuts?!
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
I'm sorry, but I have to go to this premiere
of this new Ryan Gosling movie.
Ryan Gosling? Ryan Gosling?
- Mm-hmm. - What-what-what...?
Hey, what's going on with Ryan Gosling?
Put it on speaker. Put it on speaker.
I have extra tickets.
And there's going to be this after-party
with all this amazing food.
And Ryan is gonna be serving ice cream himself.
I would ask you to go,
but you know, you have to take care of Andi.
No, Andi can take care of herself!
You can take care of yourself. I'm coming!
Mm!
Mm...
You know, I-I-I think I'm feeling better.
Maybe I can come, too?
No, you lay flat on your back just like the doctor ordered.
But I really think I can rally.
Don't you dare rally! We'll take pictures. Oh, wait.
You know what? No cameras allowed. Okay, bye.
(Groans)
Okay how about this one? What's your favorite movie?
Love actually.
This is crazy!
(Both laugh)
I was just telling Claude how much I love that movie!
Did I not tell you that?
Hey, it's eerie.
Almost creepy.
Will, I hope this isn't too forward, but we have
such a great connection, I'm just gonna go for it.
Would you like to go get a drink?
Only if it's a Margarita at El Cholo.
Okay, I am flipping out!
Claude and I were just talking about El Cholo!
(Both laugh)
I mean, it's almost as if
you heard our entire conversation!
(Both laugh)
I'm gonna grab my jacket.
I'll drive.
(Hushed): You're my ride home!
You live across the street, Claude.
Will, this is nuts!
What happens when she finds out I don't live across the street?
Or that you're her landlord's ex-husband?
By then we'll be in love and it won't matter anymore.
Look, where there's a will, there's a way.
Oh, come on.
We've asked you to stop saying that!
The point is, after a terrible dating year,
the universe is finally smiling on me.
Ready.
Okay.
(Phone rings)
Where's that coming from?
(Ringing continues)
I don't hear anything.
No, nothing.
Why is there a phone in my closet?
I believe that's the universe calling.
I mean, we'd already left.
Why did she have to call the police?
I don't know, breaking and entering,
stalking, felonious pooping.
Honey, I know I shouldn't give this to you
till after the baby comes,
but I'm way too excited.
So, there you go.
Let me guess. Sample roof tile?
Oh, my goodness, this is beautiful! Bobby!
This is, like,
the greatest gift you've ever gotten me.
And I'm not lying.
Yeah, well, I can't take all the credit for it.
Yes, you can.
Turns out, your husband is great at picking out gifts.
Yeah, well, my wife inspired me.
Will: That is nice jewelry.
I should buy myself more jewelry.
They should have a different word for jewelry
when it's for men.
I do have interesting thoughts.
C17